white christmas

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

hearing stories from friends about their holidays trips seriously makes me want to go travelling again! the funniest i had heard so far is definitely the GREAT contrast between dingod and goi.

i put my hands into the jacket immediately after washing my hands.
the toilet was warm and they have doors!

omg! we 3 couldnt help it but to laugh and laugh non-stop. it was just too funny how 2 of my friends had completely opposite holidays experience.

christmas is always the time to sit back and remember all my friends and family. share the joy of the festive season and thank you them for being part of my life. furthermore, christmas is another pit stop to remind me that the year is ending soon. time to reflect, perphas another day when i feel like it.

holidays!

dec is a month of holidays. friends flying to other countries with family and friends and also close friends coming back to spore to relax and catch up. dec is so happy-ifying! goi should be at china by now and dingod is leaving for japan soon!!!! JAPAN! omg!!! that is definitely a country i want to revisit with friends, especially the theme parks. hq, tiong and woon are going to europe! that is another place i have to go before i die. it is okay because FAT and mh are coming back to spore real soon. KNS will be complete again. =)

there is still a long list of must-do-things before school starts but honestly, i think i have not even achieved half of them. haha. time to chase after the time.

DECEMBER

cheers to december! finally everything that has to do with studies has finally ended. time to take a short breather, relax, recharge for the upcoming challenges. there are so many things that i want to do!

first on the list, i need to get a decent hair cut. my hair is seriously in a huge mess and i can no longer stand it anymore! argh! and obviously shopping and meeting up with friends. the main idea here is to get back my social life! and i have not taken snapshots of singapore yet. omg!! damn sad! i need a professional or better camera first.

those are just some random thoughts that come to my mind as i type. seriously, i think december is the month to spread some love to all my friends and family. something happened and has taught me a valuable lesson. cherish everything and everyone and live day as if it is my last. i dont rmb the last time i hugged my mother. i also dont rmb when was the last time i told my friends how much i love them. i feel ashamed of myself for complaining about my life and over insignificant issues sometimes. i should learn to be more contented with my current state and count my blessings.

though we never know each other, everyone here misses you and will always remember you. rest in peace.

stressed!

why wear a mask all this while?
laugh when you are happy.
cry when you are sad.
frown when you are troubled.
scream when you are angry.
shout when you are stressed.
wouldn't life be much more simple and easier with the mask off?
should others' comments really put you down?
will you allow that to ever happen?

sick of mugging

what do i do when i am sick of mugging? watch an ep of anime, laugh at the videos on youtube, mess around with my itunes, chat with friends on msn. and the only thing that is trying to pull me through all these shit is the uncontrollable excitement that i have for the month DECEMBER!

yeah! it will be soon be the end of the year soon and i am happy. =) top of the list is shhh.... cant tell because it is a S-E-C-R-E-T btw the 2 of us. she will kill me if i say anything. watching the movie hero with the happening gf, gladys. and also the fliming of BREAKERS 07 will be shown on channel 8 hao ren hao shi on 2 dec 1030pm. xmas! although i am not a fan of xmas, it is still tis season to be jolly! and then and then the countdown to 2009! omg!!!! i enjoyed myself lots at the countdown last yr and so this yr better be a blast too. but, goi and i cant laugh at dingod anymore. =( not forgetting the bdays! minghui's and hengqing's. they are only 20th and i will be turning a yr older soon. haha... and if hengqing you are reading this, you and tiong please buy GOOD STUFF back for us okay? or else it will be an end to our 4 years of friendship. hahahaha!! and look out for hot girls for tiong so that i can win the bet and snap photos of hot guys for me okay?

choo is loving december!

funny youtube video

something funny. a good recommendation from eve. love her lots! rocking jay's concert up next with her and minghui! =)

sick

it is not fun being sick. =( i have no one else to blame except myself. despite the constant naggings by goi "sleep early tonight ah", i refused to listen and see what has happened to me now. sad! why does good advice fall on deaf ears sometimes?

away with the theory of mine that i am able to study better at night. i am not going to obey this for the time being until my body is up and ready. i feel like an injured soldier with no medicial support within reach. i am all on my own and it is either make it or break it. yup! be a fighter and i am so going to survive out of this bullshit by myself.

i should be a good girl, rest more, drown myself in water, eat simple food (which i hate the most because they taste BLAND!) and not indulge myself in chocolates. i will be o-K-A-Y by tmr. =) stay positive!

linkin park, rock concert!

have i ever told you i have a crush on LINKIN PARK? omg!!! i was jumping for joy when yk told me they were coming to singapore to perform on the 13th nov at singapore indoor stadium. omgomgomg!!! i am still very happy that i bought the tickets during this mugging period. 24/7 studying will make choo go crazy!

although they only have 3 albums, all their songs are hits!!! the stage layout was simple but the super duper huge screen at the back was AWESOME!!! the red background, the falling stars but the best was the lighting with the shadows of the band members flashing. the concert started with a blast! everyone around me was SHOUTING with chester, with their hands held high. minutes to midnight has a totally different feel from their previous albums, less rock, more about war peace, the little things you give away just blew my mind. hearing just chesters screaming away with the music, it brought me to another dimension when i could seriously feel the pain and suffering. omg! i seriously love the live version of this song!!!

regardless how great their current album was, their older songs, crawling, in the end, papercut still stole the show. everyone knew the lyrics of the songs!!! jumping and shouting with them. yesyes, this is a rock concert and so it is super duper hard to sing. so just SHOUT with chester!

my best part was the ending. all my favourites were lined out one after another. faint (my seconday school favourite), numb, bleed it out. omg!!! i was telling zhihui that i was not going to leave the concert venue until they sang bleed it out. everyone clapping to the song. the atmosphere was damn HIGH!!!

the downside was they started late and they only sang for about one and a half hour. sad!! guess they were looking for more quality than quantity. seriously, i could see linkin park not putting in more than 100% effort but it was GREAT! they were able to have all the auidence on their feet without asking them to stand. everyone was high instanteously without them having to do anything.

this was my first time to a rock, english concert. and i am so loving it!!! i know mcr is up next and i want to go watch the BLACK PARADE!! but i guess, i will have to wait patiently till 18 jan for jay. =) meanwhile, i have linkin park as my laptop wallpaper, my msn icon and i am listening to them while typing this. i am falling in love with them once more!

i have never knew

i have never knew it will that bitter.

i feel like a abandoned child, sitting by the roadside on a cold windy night, waiting patiently that my parents, who only appear in my dreams, to pass by and pick me up. argh! if i knew it would be that hard, i would hug my dad's skinny legs that day and stop him from buying that day.

damn! in a whiny mood again!

TRAVEL

i am so in the I-WANT-TO-TRAVEL mood now!!!!!!! i am dying to leave spore for a short break. i know now is impossible so i shall just wait patiently for dec to come. i have no exact location of where i want to go to. i just want to leave this sunny island for a few days to breathe.

no matter how much i want it to happen, i feel that it wont happen in the end. how i wish i could learn how to throw my responsibilities away and not be involved in anything except for MY stuff. dec is definitely not the month for me to travel. sigh!

i want to feel like this again!

fainting spells are back!

i thought all was fine but the fainting spells hit me again last night. i was out with the nj gang last night to cafe iguana. omg!!! i had once again fallen in love with their margarita. their servings looked normal, rather small but goi and i were DAMN full when we were only half way through our meals. so lesson learnt was to go there with a hungry stomach.

after that, we went to oasis at kallang and there was where i fainted. omg! i still cannot figure out what was the main cause of it. i din had breakfast that day. i dont think that is the main cause of it because on somedays, i do skip breakfast to rush to school and nothing happens to me. i really DONT KNOW! i just felt weird all of a sudden. we were not at any crowded place and i did have enough oxygen to breathe. first, i couldnt hear them speak. when i found somewhere to sit, i couldnt see at all. all i saw was lines of the lights from the opposite shores. the next moment, i was lying on goi's shoulders and then breaking out in cold sweats.

sorry guys if i had scared you. next time, dont worry too much okay? seriously, thanks for taking care of me last night. all the running about to find sweet and sugary drinks for me (qoo and the not-very-sweet ice lemon tea) and sending me up. haha! THANKS!!! at least i know i can depend on you guys when things happen in the future. sorry because i created so much trouble and spolit the night. i promise i will not be early in the future. i will always be the last to arrive no matter what. and lastly, i WANT TO PLAY DJ REMIX. i want to beat the god-like dingod. haha!!!


love you guys!

end of yr

the end of yr is approaching soon which means holidays are coming soon! i just heard from an old friend that he is going to taiwan in a few days' time. if i din remember wrongly, he just got home from his thailand trip. omg! i am so jealous of him! why cant i find the time to do some travelling this year? hate myself for not doing something that i like. am i able to do a little travelling at the end of the year?

hurry hurry! i want this year to end fast. it isnt a great year for me and i want it to be gone and away forever, never to return. new year new year new year!

detached

why must i? they frowned at me and questioned my decision. they told me i should give in and at least try to make things better. no, i do not want to. she was about to raise her hand and he was close to slamming the door at me.

why must i? they still could not understand me. she tried to talk me into again but i walked away. he, just gave up on me.

why must i? they did not even bother to try and ask because they knew i wont listen.

i had stopped making wishes a long time ago because i knew it was a trick to make children believe that miracles do happen. i no longer hold any hope in it. i thought i could live each day like a shadow but i did not know it could hurt and make my heart bleed so badly on a night like this. i did not want to be involved but why did i still know of it?

i knew things will turn out to be in this way on the very day it happened. is avoiding it my fault at all? i just do not want to have any unnecessary conflicts. or maybe it is just an excuse for running away and not facing up to the real problem? up till this very day, i still cannot figure out why it happened? it changed my entire life completely and it had turned me into someone who i do not recognize. all i need is fair treatment. is it really that hard to find it here?

i do not want to be involved in anything anymore. i refuse to give it all. because i know it will hurt when things start to fall apart and miracles do not happen anymore. why bother to put myself through the painful experience when i know it is a dead end ahead. i do not want to feel.

living alone

for the past few days, life has not a little different. it has been quite a while since i last did housework. doing housework is definitely tiring. it totally put me off when i looked at the pile of dirty clothes that i MUST wash and the amount of cleaning to keep the flat clean and neat. omg! i could just drop die right now if i had to do these for the rest of my life.

thinking, it is not a bad idea to move out and live on my own for a while before i settle down. it is not that i dont like living with my parents or i am one of these unfilial children who abandon their parents. i just want to feel the difference of living day by day on my own. to be more sadistic, i want to go through hardship so that i can learn to appreciate how fortunate i am now.

why am i having sucha thought? i guess i am longing for more personal, the so-called MY SPACE. having the entire room is not exactly the same. i dont know how to phrase it but it is just different.

mad rush

sometimes in life, we are so busy pursuing our dreams and individual goals that we have missed out on the simplicity of life. we are always rushing from one place to another, meeting up with different groups of friends, trying to make our lives vibrant. but have we ever thought of slowing things down a little to take a breather? taking a rest from all the chaos might be a wise decision afterall.

the past few months have been crazy for me. studying and settling urgent application matters nearly drove me up the wall. and today, finally a day for me to rest. talking to her never fails to make me feel at ease. i feel that i have lost touch with the self i once know. behaving differently with various groups of friends makes me question myself. which is the real reflection of myself? however, things arent exactly the same with her around.

i was talking to one friend of mine that i would like to go photo hunting one day. i am not sure what is the proper term but the phrase 'photo hunting' came straight to my mind immediately. i want to walk around spore, taking random snapshots of anything. it is not like i have a professional camera, except for a everyone-hates kinda camera. obviously the effects wont be exactly how i want it to be. but at least i just want to roam around the streets and walk aimlessly. maybe searching for something i dont even know what it can be.

hope are crashed

wet wet day, but luckily i went to school in my rainy day slippers today. smart move right at the start of the day but things arent as good as what they seem.

i received the email that i had been waiting for the past few weeks but its contents wasnt exactly what i want to see. before that, i know my chances are low but i refuse to give up hoping. i remember i used to say not to hope because the disappointment will be great. this time round, i am just unwilling to give it up just like that. i have planned for this a few months ago. everything is hanging in the mid air, waiting patiently for the green signal. people around me, especially her is getting excited, and even i am starting to picture the scenes in my mind.

it angers me so much today when i saw the email that states my only 2 available options lef that i wanted to struggle someone very badly. withdrawal or transfer? seriously i will end up back to the starting point for both options and i hate it! i hate it when things turn out in the wrong way and it is not within my control to make it better.

all i know is i need to vent this frustrations out. if i kept everything to myself, one fine day i would explode. and seriously, venting the frustrations out made me felt much better. that's a typical extrovert. wth! anyway, all i can do now is to wait.

happy weekend

it is finally the mid term break! there is nothing that i should be happy about this break because this break is meant to be used for mugging purposes. it's okay, it's alright because i will never fail to find fun before the misery begins. had great fun with 2 different groups of friends over the weekend and i am loving every single of them. =)

on friday night, i went out with the nj frens and oh my god!! we had a FANTASTIC dinner that made goi fell in love with seafood once again. the mussels in white wine was simply heavenly. not forgetting my main course which found my long lost love for fish. obviously drinking was involved but i din drink much due to cash constraints. damn! why is drinking such an expensive hobby?!

last night kns went out in full strength except for FAT! nevertheless we still think of her that night? mh, must carry out our plan okay? as usual, we were the noisiest customers in the restaurant and i think we had scared many guests away and gotten infinite unpleasant glances and stares. our doubts were confirmed when the waiter just said "thank you" to us and not "thank you, please come again". omg!!! WE WERE BLACKLISTED. but, we didnt care!! all we cared about was FUN. the photos, the food and jokes makes me want to go out more with them. please please, mid term tests be over soon and we can meet up again. =)

the pretty photos!!!!


heavenly mussels


my long lost love


nj friends!


kns without peiwen and FAT







i am loving all of them!

tear your face

it is irritating to see everyone going woah when they see you. why are they pretending to be so impressed? what is the big fat issue here! have they forgotten what you had done to them? i can only say they really have a big heart to forget it. too bad, i dont belong to the same category as them. i will never allow myself to forgive you, not to mention to forget it.

stop trying to be nice to repent and amend. have not you taught macbeth? oops! i forgot that someone with such intelligence will never understand arts. what's done cannot be undone. it is finalized! stop trying to be the good person here again and give them hope. i have stop being optimistic about it. my heart is dead. pull off your mask and stop making me disgusted.

i am sick and tired. just want to leave.

roller coaster

it has been a week of high uncertainty for me. I had been suffering from serious anxiety because I do not know if my exchange program will be approved or not. I had to fight against the deadline and this time round, I seriously think it was not entirely my fault that things turned out to be in this way. desperately calling ubc last night, seeking help from jf, running to and fro from fac to fac and from office to office, talking to many different people just to get a peace of mind. worried that if i failed to meet the deadline, everything will be gone just like that. it is just unfair because I know I had done my part to my best ability. it is the others who crippled and destroyed my chance. I will hate myself more if I lose this chance now.

all i need is just assurance. i have been picturing myself there since i accepted the offer. it is just 3 more months and i will be away. i just want someone to tell me that everything is on schedule, nothing will go wrong and i will be sitting happily in the plane soon, waiting to explore a new country. dont spolit this beautiful picture that i have painted in my mind.

so many places

i have so many places that i want to explore and experience before i step into working society permanently. how much am i able to achieve within these 2 years? it seems like a short time but actually it is not. 2 years will come and go even before i fully enjoy myself and ta-da! working life starts then.

at least i am able to visit my good old friend back at canada in a few months' time. the trip will be fun but the preparation part sucks. i am starting to hate the process of getting approval. the procedures are long and draggy. replies are coming in late. when is my green light ever going to come? i thought i was at least making some progress in the exchange program after breakers but now, i have been at the same point for too long. this is sickening!

another opportunity comes knocking on my door. i am not sure if i should take it or not. if i do, my dad will be spending a big bomb and that is definitely not i want to happen. i dont want to live off my parents too much. i will appear to be a spolit brat. damn! but if i dont, when will i take up the offer then? by then, will i be able to free myself from singapore?

and my graduation trip, backpack!!! i am ok with anywhere, preferrably europe. but i definitely want to do backpacking for my graduation trip. please stop me from spending unnecessarily from today onwards. slap me, kick me, punch me to remind me how important cash is to me now.

anger

today is just another screwed up day for me. the whole day started on the wrong note. why on earth would i mess up my tutorial timings? the worst part is i only realized it after i receieved my friend's message to ask me where i was. so in the end, i went for a tutorial with just the questions and did not go to the one which i rushed the questions till 2am. STUPID!!!!!

there is so much anger boiling within me now. i simply cannot understand why others can look at the same matter as me, but have an innocent viewpoint of it. on the other hand, i am digging behind the words and actions to seek truth. are they just plain nice or am i thinking too deep into matters? how i wish all my intepretations have been wrong all this while. at least i can convince myself the world that i am in now is peace loving and friendly.

why am i so not tactful with my words and actions sometimes? i am not the best friend unless you really know me inside out. it is always after i had flared, i realised i was wrong. i should not have done that given under the same situation again. oh my! i just hate this temper of mine for barking at my friends more than once today.

why cant u just stop critising others and reflect on yourself. that little gesture is not going to change much unless you start to do something with this nasty character of yours. if you think it is that easy, do it yourself. dont complain when others are doing your share of workload. you should feel thankful and not critize them. if you are not going to let others feel appreciated, they are going to think twice about helping you again.

it is just so frustrating now. i want to sleep my night away and only wake up on sunday. this week started on a wrong note and this sets the mood for the rest of the week. argHHHH!!!! boil me to get rid of the anger inside me.

take care!

jf is back at canada now. take care and have fun!!! rmb to take lots of photos of mayday and send pee, liting and my love to them. =) one sem will soon be over and we shall have fun again.

one of those nights

tonight is just one of those nights that i dont feel like doing anything except blogging. enjoying my late night playlist, not thinking about anything.

i dont blame others for calling me a workaholic. it is just a name. i dont really care. i understand that life is all about choices. i choose to be part of this project and i should at least try to put in my best for it. i made this decision so i shall pay the price. i dont know how my outside friends view it, but i will hate myself for not putting in enough effort. i choose to be that busy, heavily involved in this project. just bear with me for a few more days and hoepfully, i will be back to being a normal student.

the deadline i once said was end of june, and then july and now, it is finally august and why am i still doing the same thing i did a few months ago? every time i go in, i asked myself the same question over and over again. it is for the sake of money i am not being a materialistic girl here. i am just trying to be independent here, to earn what i spend. up to this age, i cannot see myself begging my parents for money. just substitute my job with tuition and wont i be like normal?

everything only seems to be over after thursday. i need courage to push on till the end of the month. how i wish she was still lying next to me.

sorry, i am too busy

up to today, i still hate the phrase "sorry, i am too busy". that is an extremely clever way to push all responsibilities to others while you have time to do your stuff. get a life!!! do you think everyone except yourself is damn free? it does not show that you are important in all your stuff. it reflects badly on you because you canNOT manage your time at all.

the amount of time each and every one of us have are the same. i dont understand why others can arrange their schedules and make time off but some just cannot do that. there is no such thing as no time. the time is fixed and so you just have to play around with it. you will be able to squeeze time out of your schedule with better planning.

why am i whining here again? maybe i am just looking at things on the surface, which is wrong, bad and horrible. i need to learn not to pass judgement quickly. get to understand the situation first. by then, it wont be too late to make my judgements right?

the world is lying

dont u try hate it when everything is just an illusion? nothing is real. you start to question the people around you. were they showing their true and sincere emotions back then? what if everything has been a lie all along?

why are dramas forever painting the beautiful pictures? the good always has the final laugh. the evil will bleed, suffer and die. nobody cares. all they want is a perfect happy ending that pleases everyone. why? i thought dramas are supposed to be a close reflection of what happens in real life to capture the hearts of the audience.

fake. everything is a lie. reality does not happen in the same way as how the dramas are scripted. i hate it when the bright side wins because i know it does not happen to me. why must reality have a tragic ending before it captures others' attention? it must make people cry their hearts' out before it is satisified. why?

illusion is perfect and reality is harsh. wth!

braces

death will creep in at 11 o'clock sharp tomorrow. i shant not complain and whine about it because it is something that i want to do. i made the decision myself and so no whining is allowed. meanwhile, i shall just enjoy the peaceful and quiet last night i have before pain is my new found pain.

many events happening

i had been dreading the camp for a long time because i dont understand the point of me being not at home for 5 days. i just DONT see the point. i had been whining to friends about it. it was just so ARGH!

and so now, the camp is finally over. from the freshies' point of view, i will grade the camp as a good one, excluding the friction within the main committee. i am not in the position to judge if it is an enjoyable one because for the entire camp, i was heavily and actively involved in fright night and being a helper for SP night. other than that, i was just doing shitty jobs, helping others to cover their asses. damn!

the only best part is knowing that our fright night was a great improvement from the dry run and many said it was a success. seriously, the 3 of us (yihan, minghui, i) deserves a pat and not forgetting our SP committee (junrong, dabai, ben) and the other helpers. i really did not know scaring people could be so much fun.

one event down, one more to go. cannot say much about the upcoming event because no details are confirmed yet. i feel the need to have someone to push us to work hard and long hours from next week onwards. push me, give me deadlines or else i will be bored at home, just like the rest.

sticky situation

dont you want to pretend nothing had happened when faced with a sticky situation? it's natural human reaction. something that differentiates humans from animals but sadly, why are you not using it logically? of all the available options, why choose the worst of the batch? run away, hide and secretly wish that everything will be back to its previous state. stop being a naive coward! face the consequences. you know very well that every single move you make now will not only affect you alone. stop doing things just for the kick. start to spare a thought for the people around you.

and you! stop using it too well. stop trying to shift/push/deny all responsibilities. what is the point of drawing such a clear line when everyone is working towards a common goal? you are only working towards destruction if you refuse to blur that line. if you think that all is about you doing your own job well, leave me alone! i dont hang out with a team destructor. stop whining because you are doing just a little bit more than what you used to do. overlaps are bound to happen. if not, the world will be free from troubles. problems are clearly defined and distinctive. everything has a fixed solution and standard outcome. what is there to worry about when things are crystal clear?

i should be able to go back to sleep when things start to move. i am currently in this sick state of mind. it is freaking early morning at 3am now and i am still not going to sleep. my mind is on standby but my legs refuse to move an inch. and soon when my energy is completely burnt out, i will be sick. rain, sun, hot and cold. stop giving me awkward combinations of temperature before my body decides to go on a riot. the changes that are happening around me is sometimes too overwhelming for my body frame. i can sense the changes slowly affecting my mood everyday, and slowly my temper will get worse and finally i will erupt like a volcano. i want to have a day or two to sit back, look at things again and have a long chat over a drink.

ultra tiring

i have not felt this way for a long time. my bones are going to break with the slightest push. ULTRA SUPER DUPER tired! rushing like a red bull at work place, hopefully to finish my work before i leave. i cant stand looking at the mountain of documents piling up continuously in the cupboard, waiting for my attention. it scares the hell of me, as if my work is an on-going affair. it NEVER ends!!! for dry run, it was good considering the limited time we had and being our FIRST. definitely there is many rooms for improvement. i am just thankful to everyone who was there to make it a smooth sailing dry run, and most importantly their honest feedbacks. they may hurt but they are helpful. sometimes, i rather face the harsh truth than a beautiful mask.

besides all the rushings, i have confirmed something about me. i am having a love-hate relationship with it. it is good because things will move and hopefully be done but i may piss the people around me in the process. i am unsure if it is something good or bad about me. for one thing i am sure of is it is in me. i try to change it, and i meant it but it just comes back naturally. i will feel uncomfortable all over my body when things are slow or undone. it makes me want to push the person in front of me. and so the cycle begins. luckily, i have friends who truly understand me and decide to leave me alone. if not, i guess things will most likely turn ugly.

my body is telling me to jump onto my bed with my wet hair and leave all matters till tomorrow. on the other hand, my brain is persuading me to stay up a little longer to settle matters that are running in my head now. i need to write them down. i need to start to think. and finally, let the work begin! push on!!!

bdays!!

recently, kns had a long over due bday celebrations for pee and eve. the place rocks as usual but definitely not the price. we were ALL puzzled when we saw the receipt. what the hell did we eat and drink? drinks were lousy, sitting area sucks because we were too near to the band but the thin crusted pizza rocks! i shall try to finish one on my own the next time. yeah!!!


bday girls!!!


oh where oh where has our lydia gone to?


proclaimed alcoholics


best shot =)

FAT, we all want the other photos!!!!!!

disgusted

sometimes we just want someone who is willing to protect us at any costs. keep us away from danger, even to the extent of deceiving us. living each day in lies, putting on a front. suffering and enduring the pain all by themselves and not let us in an inch to share their burdens. all they hope for is to see us everyday in their lives.

why are there people out there who are so selfless? they always spare a thought for others but never themselves. i become pale in comparsion. the things i have been doing all these years evolve around me. personal achievement, my own time, my leisure, my social life! i have never shared a single part of me with them. i am like a lone ranger living in my own world.

i claim i did all these are for them. is that just an excuse for what i have done? how noble i am in front of others! i feel like shit, trying to fill up the hole in my heart. painting a picture but it never turns out to be perfect. does that make me feel better?

i am just disgusted by myself.

limitations

before i blog about what i want to say, i am damn angry now!!! i cant play ep 9 of pb season 2. yaya, i have completed the entire season but i am still pissed. i cant play it after i lend it to someone. damn it!!! did she ill treat it while i was away? arghhh!!!

working has been rather slack except when i am throw with multiple small tasks to do. based on what i know of myself, i will want to finish them asap. although i tell frens that "sorry, i was busy just now", it is just me wanting to finish it fast. i am about to end my current job in about one month's time but somehow i feel that there are much more things i want to do before the school starts.

making a list in my head, i realized cash is an obstacle. save up! that is what i always tell myself but seriously, how much and how long can i save up to get there? be practical girl!!!

no matter how unreasonable and conservative my parents can be at times, i still love them for giving me the space to breathe and freedom to enjoy. however, i have to pay a high price for this independence. they will advise you this this this and conclude everything by saying "ultimately, you have to think for yourself". omg! i felt the soil moved for a split second. it does not help at all when they say that to me. it just makes things worse. i hate to do things without having the support i want.

i just want to get out of school soon, when things are fully controlled by myself.

wednesday blues

most suffer from monday blues but to me, the hardest day to spend is wednesday. i hate wednesday. it is called the hump day in my language. it is neither at the beginning nor the end of the week. i dont feel excited because weekends seem so far away. i am not feeling tired because i should have enough rest from play by wednesday. argh!! i just dont like the feeling of not being here and there. i am stuck right in the middle. totally dreadful day!!!

mayday JUMP!!!

i was blown away by mayday again!!! i just went to their concert and i am totally more in love with them, especially monster. he is extremely charming when he played his electric guitar. i shall start revising my chords again. =)

emotions was running high when i turned back and looked. everyone at the max pavilion was on their feet. we were all swinging our lousy yet expensive lightsticks to the music, singing to our hearts' content. i guess that is the power of mayday. it proves something since they have been in the industry for a long time.

the thing about mayday is i love their songs. listen carefully to the lyrics and you will start to realise they mean something. somehow or rather, the words always fit nicely in the situation i am or was in. their songs never fails to give me hope and definitely the courage to dream.

i just want to get back to the place and relive the moment again.

i will be independent

it is yet another peaceful night. it feels great after taking a long and hot bath. why do i always start to feel when only distance separates me from them? i am not afraid, and definitely not lost. they had repeated the list of must-do-things to me since last week and i can read them out backwards now. i know exactly how and what i should do but the sudden sense of emptiness is overwhelming.

a gesture of putting his arm over my shoulder, telling me to take good care of myself warmed my heart instantly. i kinda regretted what i did last night but i am still angry over it. a gentle reminder to look after myself makes me want to protect them even more. why do i feel that i have failed to be the perfect daughter? i hate the current state of life i am in now, struggling with the limited ability i have.

i dont want to watch the television dramas alone. i dont want to argue with the person i see in the mirror. i need someone to bicker with me. i want to be nagged at. i want someone to pull me off my bed every morning. be safe! =)

never weak

i have always told myself never to be weak in front of others. no matter how tough things get, i will always be the last man standing. i will not cry. i will not shout for help. i will bear the burden. i will endure the pain. i maybe exhausted after the fight but i will be a stronger person. i will face all the crap now and i am also the one who will have the last laugh. i will not be the person i hate the most.

on your own

no matter how ugly the working world is, the desire to work and to live independently never leaves my body. it has been almost a month since i started work and i am starting to dislike the ugly side of humans. it convinces me that man is selfish and seriously, it is a man eats man world outside. back stabbing, pushing off responsibilities and definitely covering our asses. i have to the fittest in order to survive, just like being the sole survivor in the reality show. so how much talk about competitive school environment. it is nothing when compared to the outside world.

in school, i am just a pampered kid in the eyes of the working adults. who am i to talk about competitiveness? i have yet to face the real danger. errors become mistakes and i will be forgiven in school. at work, i will have to prepare to pack my bags and go. and if my boss is a little kinder, a pair of simple ear plugs will do the job.

i wonder how i am going to survive in the future. wake up your idea! the entire world does not evolve around you. the whole thing is not just about you, it is more about a team. start working together to make things work. i hate it when everything boils down to individualism. if it is part of your job scope, be proactive and take up the responsibility. stop trying to find excuses to push it off just by saying, "sorry, i am busy". how can you expect ourselves to cover your duties? where the hell is your sense of responsibilities and shamefulness?

it is all about faults!!! when can i look at the strengths of others? stop being a critical person. afterall, it is just a temporary job to spend time and to earn some money. take it easily and maybe i will start to love my job more.

dreams

when school ends, blogging is the last thing on my mind that i want to do. probably because i have many other better stuff to keep myself busy with for the past few weeks, like working, watching anime and not forgetting my drinking sessions. talking about drinking, i think i suck at drinking now. so to those out there who hate me, you can make me drunk and leave me by the roadside for revenge. i need to drink more often to up my tolerance or else stupid, fat and ugly dabai will start laughing at me again.

he was telling me there are 4 obstacles to realizing dreams. i think i belong to the baker now. i have achieved what i always want to and right now, my life has came to a stand still. so how am i supposed to proceed from here? it is like i have lost something in my life, not knowing where to go next. even when i set my mind in doing something, the drive is not as strong as before, the passion is not there. everything just seems so blur and i am clueless. i know one day, i will find my direction but right now, i just have to recharge myself before the next sprint.

i have given up hope on it. i know things are not going to work out so i dont think there is any point in holding onto it for my dear life. i have much better and more meaningful stuff to do rather than hoping and waiting. i am sick of the uncertainity. i am happy alone.

double doses of friendships!

passion

it is amazing to know the extend that passion can do to our lives. the burning flame within is always calling out to us to do we want to do. always to pursue our dreams! no matter how simple or stupid it may sound to others, we just have to standby our beliefs and just do it. why should we bother about what others think, feel or look at us? we dont live our lives for them but for ourselves. so we should just go all out for our passion. nothing is impossible but is it really that case?

sometimes, all we lack is luck. the talents, the right moment, the perfect combination but luck is just not there. we struggle with all our might to live our dreams but end up, we suffer and injure ourselves. is it a sign to stop? we will not want to stop because we are all set to get it or nothing. it is the time when someone who truly cares for us to step into the picture.

stop, and rest if we must! that is what we hear. pursuing our dreams blindly is not doing any good to anyone. so what if we get what we want in the end? a bright future and a comfortable life. are these really the only things that we are looking for in life? we may have neglected people who are dear to us in the process. kinship, friendship, love and concern are priceless. they are feelings that we cannot hold or own and are usually turn into regret when it is too late.

maybe sometimes it is wise for us to be contented with our lives. never to compare because we may appear pale under comparsion. why should we make ourselves miserable by doing ourselves a disfavour? so, it is time to stop thinking and go out there and hug everyone! hugging is the best form of emotional support. so, i am going to hug my pillow and head off to sleep.

when everything ends

when everything ends, how do you feel? lost because you dont know what you can do when you reach home since you have nothing to work towards now. happy because it is 3 months of holidays with no mugging. worried because you did not put in your best. emotionless because you are too tired to feel anything. all i know is that i dont want to stay at home for long hours anymore. i am sick of being at home, sitting by my desk because i had been doing that for the past one month. so out, out, out of my house!

it shall start with a small celebration with overwhelming of food. first night was steamboat and dessert which made me go crazy on my way home. luckily the bus driver was a skilful driver. if not, there was a high chance for me to puke on the bus. today was more food!!! it was my first time eating vietnamese food and i am loving it. it was just rice noodles but it was heavy enough for me to give up on my durian zhu change feng. =( i am going back to try it for the sake of DURIAN.

yes, it is food, food and more food. i thought of something big to do when i was busy mugging away. i have not told anyone about it yet. i am not sure if it will work because it does not only concern me. i seriously hope to have the green light to try it out and most importantly for it to work.

happy working tmr! =D

overloaded

seriously, suffering from information overload after a night on biology. it is killing me but luckily i have made some progress. oh my!!! my head is going to burst soon and i am not willing to hit my bed yet. it is the last paper on monday and things will be bright and cheerful for me once more. may is a happy month for me.

my heart jumped abit when i heard similar noises. i am not sure if they are coming from the same source as before or not. i am not scared or worried. i just did goi's favourite action, roll my eyes. if it really happens like before, i am not going to do anything. i even pictured myself shutting down my laptop, grab my bio notes and TB and marched downstairs or anywhere else to continue with my revision. cruel right? nah. it is an act of being sick and tired of things repeating themselves. i just want to have something new to breathe in my life.

sometimes, it is just not about others. i have to live for myself somedays too. so it is all about ME. if history ever repeats itself, i will bring her along with me and leave provided i have the ability. selfish, heartless, emotionless creature. whatever! they describe me perfectly well. hang on!!!

friends

in times when i feel like dying, a simple email is all that i need to make me realise life is not that bad afterall. when i feel like the world is going to crash on me anytime, friends never fail to remind me that there is someone out there who cares for me. a call or a short message brings me back to earth and decides to finish what i initially set off for. i feel good and hopeful again! i cant wait for may to come. (did i say that before?)

my last breath

the anxiety is killing me. all these waiting is making me go INSANE. why on earth does 30 apr never seem to be approaching? looking at the pile of revision that needs to be done by then, i want to faint and never to wake up till may arrives. why are not my fainting spells working when i need them the most? damn!

i have to drag to my room, force my butt on the chair, convince myself that nothing is impossible, and study. it is obstructing me from enjoying life. mugging from exams is definitely not an enjoyable thing to do when not all your friends are mugging with you. how i wish we could all experience this shit now!

there are so many things i want to do NOW!! i want to go blading!!!! pee, let's hit ecp when exams are over okay? let's skate and have a shitty tan. liting, i want to meet up with u!! remember our drinking session okay? fat, you will be back soon. i want to go your house and laze around(that's so not me but after exams, anything sounds perfect). flood my fridge with bnj ice cream. i swear i will be a happy girl if i can eat that everyday. spiderman and captain jack sparrow, i shall meet you in may, not forgetting micheal and jiro! i have not been dating them especially micheal for a super duper long time. i am dying to see my eye candies again. i want to drool. and and and, more birthday celebrations! may shall be the month of celebrations!

just let me sleep in my dreamland and wake me up when may arrives. come on, may!! hurry hurry, come fast!! stop lagging and run.

cry

what is the point of crying? does it help to solve the problem? sadly, the tears flowed arent going to do anything. if that is the case, then why do people cry? it is a form of expression. just like when people say a funny joke, we laugh. so when we feel sad, we cry. it is a source of letting our emotions flow. furthermore, it is better to express ourselves than to keep hiding everything to ourselves. so we should cry.

no! i dont agree with that. someone once told me not to cry because it shows my weaknesses. till today, i still believe in that. crying is just a waste of time and energy. i could have put that amount of time to think of a solution rather than to be at the same spot.

jap drama always have the power to make me blog and think. parting is not the end, it is the beginning.

birth-DAYS!!!

i love birth-DAYS even though it isnt my own. celebrate the day well. treat yourself better than other days, just keep smiling. make yourself feel like everything revolves around you. it may sound wrong but why bother to live each day in the politically right model? you truly deserve a day to pamper yourself and bring trouble to the people around you.

remember birth-DAYS! a simple SMS birthday wish can make the person go gaga over it. at least i know that works for me. it is such a sunny and beautiful day today because it is her birthday!!!

look ahead

what do you do when you are stuck? you struggle with all your might. you grab anything that can help you to survive. you shout at the top of your lungs. all you need is help. get the attention of anyone out there and ask for help. but what if the help is not of any use? are you going to smile and say thank you?

you feel the heat. you listen to your heart beat. something is adding weight to you but you just cant shake it off. you know very clearly you should start to do something about it but you just cant. no excuses because you cant find one. you hate it when you cant do it well.

forget it! everything has been finalized. what's the point of looking back in time and whine about how pathetic you have been. it's time to buck up and focus on what is in front of you. it makes people disgusted when you victimize yourself. so what if you have gained their sympathay? are you going to be a better person? it just makes your reliance on others stronger.

i have learnt it through the hard way. why should i open myself up to others when my trust in people does not exist at all anymore? i will manage the situation and solve it myself. at least i know, i wont lose anything after it. i will be a much better person. meanwhile, just mug hard!

friday the thirteen

RUN!!! it is the FRIDAY THE THIRTEEN today. nothing especially unfortunate happened today unless you want to consider sitting beside a sick dabai during marketing tutorial, taking the wrong bus to engin after marketing tutorial and ran in the rain to attend my last class of the sem as unlucky.

last official day of the second sem spells DOOM for me. no play makes me a sad girl. everyday will be dark and depressing, camping within a 4 walls, mugging the hell out of me. all i see are words, papers, textbooks, files, tutorials and assignments. no! i dont want this life. i want to play!! i want to blade!! i want to eat bnj ice cream!!! i want to watch spider man and pirates, at the world's ends!!! i want to spend another night out!!!

old school favourites

i have watched it thrice and read the novel once. i know the ending. i can remember the key parts. there is limited excitement in watching it but somehow it just drew me in front of the television. i just watched a walk to remember. a simple yet beautiful story.

a story about discoveries, knowing the true you beneath the skin. you have always been acting behind the shadows of others. living a life that does not belong to you. you feel corrupted. often, you are out of breath from the dirt in the city. when is it the time for you to step out and live for yourself? until one day, someone comes along and pulls you out. does not discriminate you for being who you truly are. finally, a someone who listens to your inner feelings.

why are you running away? it does not solve any problems. face it but sadly, i say dont pin much hope. i am starting to hate the word 'hope'. it gives me nothing except emptiness. bigger hopes brings about greater disappointment. is it really time for me to stop hoping for anything? i hate the negative energy that is building within me right at this moment. i want to get rid of it!

nothing seems bright and cheerful for me today. it sucks when i cannot feel the sun on a day like this. what is it hiding from? i am sick of it! how i wish you were in singapore now.

love hate r/s

the weather today just SUCKS!! i was diligently doing my work in the early hours and suddenly, i saw lightning from my mirror. but it did not rain a single drop of water at all the whole night. the next moment when i was awake, the sun was sorching hot as if it was going to burn everything on earth. a few hours later, it started raining and now it is back to sunny day. furthermore it was raining ice in canada last night. what is wrong with the weather?

the weather has described my feelings now, having a love hate relationship with myself. one moment i am determined to do something but when it comes to facing it, i become restless and refuse to take a second look at it. why cant i come clean with myself sometimes?

4 april is a BIG day for liting!!! =) hey girl, sorry that we cant celebrate ur bday with you now. we promise you the best celebration in may okay? thanks for enduring my foul temper for the past few years. this day is dedicated to you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! =)

change

this is what i read from my marketing notes, "the only constant in today's business environment is CHANGE." it makes me want to blog immediately! change is always happening around us. today i woke up from the left side of my bed and the next morning, i woke up from the right side of the bed. see, that is a change! it can be executed easily but the main problem about change is adaption.

some of us just hate change to the core. i dont blame them for that because sometimes i will resist changes too. it is in human's nature to want to be comfortable. that is a want, not a need. we just want to stay in our comfort zone, with the familiar faces and environment. to a small extent, it is good because you can achieve short term happiness. however, in the long run, you may develop this mentality that no matter what happens, you always have the same group of friends around you. bullshit! people dont stay where they are. they move! who will catch your fall the next time? so the bottom line is break free from your boundaries, be daring to try something new and fresh.

some changes are just too harsh or big to accept them. you keep telling yourself that you will slowly adapt to this change but somehow things are not going in the direction you want it to. you start to question your ability, you cannot find an answer and push the blame to everyone, you lock yourself up in the room, and ultimately you hate yourself for being someone you dont recognize. in life, you just have to learn not to take everything too seriously. if you put in 101 percent of your energy in everything, you will be drained and drop dead by the end of each day. the more effort you put in, the greater your expectations. similarly, the greater your expectations, the greater the disappointment. so just take it in your stride and move on.

we should applause for change. it is something positive because it makes people, at least myself to learn and grow. i love change!! but before that, i have to learn how to move on from there.

drinking

it was not my first time grabbing chilled beers from the convenience store and had a drink with friends under a hdb block. seriously, it is a cheap and good way to forget about all the stress from school. each of us only spent 19 bucks to enjoy 2 bottles of constantly chilled beer, bnj ice cream, chips and some lousy cookies. what a great deal right?

i dont know when and why i fell in love with drinking. i dont drink to forget about sad stuff. i did it once but damn it! the beer tasted bitter when i drank it then. it gives me a split second to forget about who i am trying to be. i know nobody will take me seriously when i drink. so i dont really have to care about what comes out from my foul mouth. whatever i say or do, nobody will believe that is the real me. they will just pass it off and say "karen is drunk/high". so i am safe.

drinking just makes the mood perfect to talk about things, trash things out, and remind the past. it triggers the lazy bone in me and not want to think or talk about work. any random topic, about life, friends or whatever. i am open to all topics.

i want to do this more often with friends. i love the company of friends, especially those who you can trust and talk with. so please jiefang, can you come back real soon. it has been a long time since we both slack together. we can do this with liting too!!! we 3 seriously need some catch up time after you are back, before my new sem starts and before liting enters a new phase in life. i promise i wont tear again when i see you the next time.

not the typical

damn it!
what is wrong with it?
just freaking accept it.
damn damn damn!!!!!!

pull me out

i love the smell of the ground after the rain, filled with hope. it is as if nature has everything pre-planned for us. we all have to go through mud and rain before the sunshine falls upon us. i want that day to come fast. i am getting sick of the life i am living in now. i am not complaining about the urbanized life because to be honest, i am in love with it. fast paced lifestyle, constantly on the move are what i desire. i just hate the ugly side of life.

i want a child's innocence. everything will be simple, pretty and wonderful. i dont have to fear my tutors for yelling at me for not completing my work. i dont have to worry about falling behind expectations. i dont have to involve myself in complicated relationships. all these can be avoided as i will be growing under the protection of my parents. taking a step at a time, waiting to grow up to discover an unpredictable and uncertain world ahead.

i need someone to pull me out of reality. i have learnt hard and well enough on the lesson called reality. i have taught myself to accept the ugly truth of life. i understand i cannot have everything i desired. i know impossible is possible. i just want to spend a day away from home, away from the life i am having now. anywhere, anything will do. i just want to run. i may seem to be escaping but from what? please allow me to be an escapist once.

i dont want to see people stopping in their tracks, taking a seat by the roadside with their heads bowed low. i want to sit by them and tell them to look up at the bright sky. sunshine after the rain, it always happen. stay hopeful and not be despair. i hate to see saddness in people's eyes. it pains me and makes me feel helpless. is there anything that i can help? it is such a simple sentence but it is often not heard.

just keep on fighting i shall. one day, i will succeed. =) just remember, anger management.

300

"prepare to dine in hell!"

i felt their passion. i saw their desire. i want to be like them, living for something in life. a new age has begun, an age of freedom. i want to be a SPARTAN! to believe in not to be defeated and never to surrender.

something struck me after the movie. dont ask what you should do, ask what you can do. leaders always have to face such a decision. should they make the decision that pleases everyone in the council or make the right decision for the common man? sometimes, maybe we are just thinking too deep into matters and forget about the limitations of our abilities. i hate the feeling when i know there is something wrong with it but i could not do anything to do. i felt trapped and useless. sometimes, i just hate being a student.

in face of danger, knowing that you are going to die, you do not fear death and fought on. what for, many will ask. to me, i respect their courgae to make such a decision. to fight for what you believe in, to fight for a spirit, to fight to protect the women and the children and most importantly, to fight for not to be conquered. i want to have this courage within me too. i do not want to bow to difficulties. i want to fight back to protect myself. must always remember that attacking is the best form of defence.

seriously, i would rather stand than to kneel. kneeling is an act of being a coward, submitting to your internal desires. be a man, stand tall and firm, fight for what you believe in. that is what i called a hero.

my heart is filled with hate.

the stress is up

i have never felt so motivated to study before since the new sem started. time check now is 423 in the morning and i am still alive and kicking. damn it!!! why do i have to keep screwing my biological clock up? i have a choice to close this stupid laptop which i have been staring at for the whole day and hit the bed which is tempting me right before my eyes or mug till 7am plus to go to school. the stress level is up!!!

all thanks to my laziness and ill discipline, i am lagging behind lectures and definitely tutorials for some modules. i need to catch up. i need to run and chase after them with all my life or else i will die a horrible death when april comes. i must be on par with the lecturers and tutors before march ends. come on come on!!! give me red bulls and make me drunk by feeding me with caffine.

nights are always the perfect time for me to study. i love the nights when everyone else except fat is sleeping. peaceful and quiet, with no disturbance at all. you wont see me throwing my temper when people enter my room when i am busy doing stuff. no noisy neighbours too. just me and my laptop, happily doing work. =)

i cant believe i finished 1 bloody essay and parts of a report in a day. worst, i have more to come in the next minute. i shall continue with my webcasting. i have to be a happy workaholic.

cny break

this cny break has been the one and only break i have been looking forward to after FLV. this break is mainly a mug-my-ass-off period. a time for me to catch up on my seriously lagging work. considering that i started to skip morning lectures due to my lazy backbone and the pile of untouched tutorials on my sister's bed, i really mean business this time round.

all work and no play makes karen a dull girl. not forgetting to have fun with friends during this cny. going around doing house visiting, getting to know my friends one step further especially my nj friends. laughing at goi's baby photos and realising that one's future isnt a predestinated thing. wow-ing at tiong's huge and pretty house and drooling over his youngest brother. haha.. i guess the best part for me was going back to nj to visit ms ling. no matter how much i detest the school, we all love the familarity we get when we stepped into the school. the running track where we sweated and bled for napfa, students involved in all kinds of after-school activities (sports, dancing, slacking around in the cantenn, CCA) brought back fond memories. i love the feeling of going back to school to chat with a trcher whom i truly repect. talking about the good old days together, and updating each other with our lives, although ms ling had not been very tactful with her words that day, we all love her! =)

while, on the eve of cny eve, nj frens gave me a huge and pleasant surprise. so much of a high-class resturant right? luckily i din fall into their trick completely but i was damn angry and sad over that lousy pair of heels. damn it! to put that aside, the highlight was their sweet revenge. haha.. dingod's tiramisu still rocks the most and it ended literally in a high note with a bottle of white wine.


our dinner


tiong's ugly hair (my sweet revenge!)


dingod's tiramisu. yummy!!!!


my birthday cake


the white wine


trying to open the white wine


us with royce and white wine


goi has rashes!!!


because of the white wine


us


us again


us again again


final shot! =)

on a sad note, this cny taught me the harsh reality of life - the world is unfair. all of us lead a different life. you cant compare with others because deep down in your heart, you know you are a loser. you try so hard to make things a little better for yourself and everyone but there is always someone who will give you hope and destroy the hope simultaneously. you thought things will take a gd change but everything is just a illusion. it goes against what you want and it does not tally with your upbringings. you start to question yourself are your efforts worthwhile? you dont want to be defeated. you keep telling yourself to push on but will history repeat itself? there is nothing you can do. everything is just not within your abilities yet. positive energy starts to leave your body sliently, leaving you with nothing to fight. you start to give up and not hope for anything.

purposeful

i am inspired by people who live their lives with a purpose. i hate to do anything aimlessly. i need a target. i want a goal. they give me the drive and power to live. although my efforts may be wasted in the end, i love the feeling of being alive again. i want to keep myself busy, constantly on my toes. i need that strength. i dont want to waste my time going in circles to search for the answer i am looking for. i want and need a purpose in life.

FLV first gathering

FLV had our first gathering after the event. went to holland village and we went drinking! my liquer ban is officially over. yeah!!! but before that, dinner with liting last night.


our dinner


liting!!!!


Fest La Vie


pretty stage


our host


at holland v


second grp at holland v


wala wala


they are drunk!!!


cheers! =)


look at mybay!!!!!


we had drank too much


happy faces =)

food for thought why do people change?